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It really makes me feel guilty everytime mm gets hurt because of me because hurting her is the last thing i wanna do. Sometimes i end up just wounding myself whenever i inadvertently hurt her. Sometimes talaga pag masyado mo mahal yung tao, you tend to set a certain apos;idealapos; situation that sometimes you dont expect anything to go wrong, and when it does go wrong just one bit, you get pissed a lot.

minsan, i really ponder on the thought if mm misses me at all. She says she does, and she means it. I believe her. I talked to her about it and she said she just wasnt the romantic type, and kind of implied that i was. Actually, it made me think cause i never really envisioned myself as a romantic person. Minsan, i admit, nasasaktan ako if parang wala syang apos;initiativeapos; to go and meet me and sometimes kailangan ko pa humirit na i miss her, i wanna see her, etc. But now i understand, sheapos;s a girl and she can tolerate it more i guess, and that doesnt mean she loves me any less. I have to learn to understand the way women are. Its sad when i think about it, since i really really really want to spend time with mm, but i have to overcome this.

i also thought about what if i was the one going to pampanga? that isnt much of a problem naman talaga. I can easily take the bus and commute all the way to her place, it isnt hard to find anyway. Bringing a car would be to costly. If i bring, lets say, michelle, gas would cost about 400 plus 260 toll. If i bring jetaime, i would probably spend about 600 for gas and 260 toll so its pricey. Pero really, its nothing naman if i want to be with mm talaga. Thing is, im sure her dad would make me feel uneasy if im there, would be strict and all. To tell the truth, thatapos;s a typical dad. All fathers would do that. It just so happens that i apos;knowapos; this dad and my respect isnt the same anymore. (but this, i want to get fixed).

another point is that san fernando left an impression about me that isnt so bright. Yes, its the xmas capital of the country but for me, it will always be an antagonist in my life. In this place i got apos;bulliedapos;, i felt that i dont belong, in this place most of mmapos;s past rests, and i dont wanna think about that. In this very place lies the close proximity of her house to everything i can potentially hate. San fernando, for me, is my enemy. Its like its holding mm captive and i want to liberate her from it. But thatapos;s just me. To mm, itapos;s home.

back to the sorrys. I really hate myself for messing up especially with mm, sa paminsan-minsan na nga lang na pagkikita namin, nagkakaron pa kami ng tampuhan. I dont want that, i hate every part of that. I want us to be happy lang, lokohan and easy going. Without the worries. Although i have to accept that the time constraint will always be there since she has to go back to pampanga, (i dont want her traveling too late din anyway) but i still want to make the most out of our time. I want just to be beside her and never let go. Ive been deprived of way too much time with her, and im waiting for every chance to make up for it.

i hope i dont screw up again. I dont wanna make her feel bad. I dont wanna hurt her anymore. I dont wanna see her sad ever. I love her so much. I hope mm wont get tired of me. Ill keep on trying to fix myself and i hope she patiently stays with me.

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